The letter he never sent
by mabelreid
Summary: He's dead, he's never coming back, there's only a letter he never gave her. Spoilers for season one and two. Trust me, this isn't your average death of a character story.
1. Chapter 1

**A/n warnings for character death, and a little bit of first season spoilers.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own CM, no profit is being made from this.**

The explosion ripped through the night air like a thousand lightening bolts had hit the ground in the same spot. Debris flew through the air, and landed more then one hundred feet from the house. Flames leapt into the rain that was falling on the team, and lit the sky almost as bright as noon day. Even the rain couldn't quench the orange, and red, and yellow conflagration. The noise was incredible, the sound of a freight train roaring through the stormy night.

The team was silent in stunned shock. Except for JJ, she stood sobbing in Hotch arms where he'd wrapped her after she screamed for their lost friend. How could this have happened? They were the mighty BAU. They always got there on time, always. How could they have been so blind and stupid, to not see the danger till it took one of their own, the most precious of them all.

Hotch held onto JJ as she cried, he held her back when she tried to run into the flames, even when she hit him on the chest with her closed fists, he held on to her. The fire trucks came, there sirens blasting through the night, a new age Calvary call, that had failed. Wasn't the Calvary supposed to arrive in the nick of time?

The trucks, and their hoses, along with rain, eventually drenched the burning home, and put out the fire from the bomb blast. Gideon overheard the fire chief say, that he hoped no one had been in there when the explosion happened, if there had been they wouldn't have survived it. He felt his heart rip in his chest, and if the unsub hadn't been in the house as well, Gideon would have killed him, right there in front of witnesses. He didn't care, let them haul him away, his son… his boy… was gone forever.

He turned, and saw the paramedics tending to JJ. He watched as they gave her an injection, he saw the sedative knock her out. They loaded her into the ambulance, and they were gone down the road with sirens blaring. Oh how he wanted the relief of sleep, or unconsciousness. Then he wouldn't feel this terrible burden of guilt.

He'd known for over a year that JJ loved Reid, but she'd never shown it until now, when it was too late. Spencer Reid was dead, and nothing anyone could do would bring him back. He didn't know how any of them could go on.

He looked around, and saw that Emily stood alone, tears falling down her face. She'd been the outsider, till this case. It had been personal to them all, and the way she fought to find Reid gave them a new respect for her. He walked over to put an arm around her, and let her cry for a long time. He watched as Garcia's convertible slid to a stop a half a block down the street, and she was out almost before the car came to a stand still. Morgan ran to meet her, and they embraced each other and cried.

Hotch stood alone, with JJ in the hospital he had no one to hold, so he simply turned got, into one of the SUVs and drove away. Gideon did nothing to stop him. The powers that be would have to wait for their reports; right now he had a phone call to make. Diana Reid had to be notified of her son's death

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When JJ awoke, it was Gideon who sat by her bed. She'd thought it was a terrible dream, but seeing the look of despair in his eyes, she knew it wasn't. His clothes were still covered in soot, and an air of smoke hung around him like a pall.

So it was true, Spencer was dead, and she would never have the chance to tell him how she felt. It was all so wrong. Why had she waited? She didn't know anymore, and now it was too late. She couldn't speak to Gideon; she didn't think she could continue on with the team. Going into work everyday, and not seeing his smiling face was more than she could take.

"It will get easier with time Jennifer." Gideon sounded so sure, was he trying to convince her or himself?

"I messed it up Gideon, why didn't I tell him when there was time. I assumed he would always be there stroking my ego with his crush. I knew he loved me Gideon, why didn't I return it? These last days must have been horrible for him. Do you think he knew he was going to die?" She hoped he didn't, how could she forgive herself if he knew and regretted her.

"I don't know JJ, I hope he didn't… I hope that when the end came it was swift and painless." He knew what he said to her wasn't true, and he knew that she knew he lied to her, but he couldn't stop his mouth from saying the words.

He gripped her had tightly as she began to cry again. When would it end, the terrible heartache? He should have known better. His own biological son wouldn't speak to him, and still he let himself become attached to Reid, to love him as a father loves a son. He wouldn't make that mistake again. He'd cut himself of from anyone that could hurt him. That was he would be safe.

"Gideon, please take me out of here, I want to go home." She didn't want to be in that hospitals bed another second, she needed to go home where she could be alone with her thoughts. She wanted to sleep in her own bed, and dream of him. That was the only way she could recapture him, through dreams.

Gideon didn't want her to go home alone, but he knew she wouldn't stay, and there was nothing wrong with her that sleep wouldn't cure. He assured her he would find a doctor, and get her signed out.

It took a couple of hours but she got her wish, and was sitting in a cab on her way home. She watched as the sun looked down, and it mocked her. What right did the world and the universe have to keep spinning now that he was dead? It just wasn't right.

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She barely realized it when she arrived at her little house. She paid the cabbie, not knowing what bill she gave him, and walked up to her door. It took her several tries before she found the right key, and managed to unlock the door. She looked around, and was amazed that nothing had changed in her absence. The artwork on the walls was the same, so was her couch and TV. The walls remained the same color, and her fridge was still empty.

She found an unopened bottle of bourbon, and opened it, pouring herself a double, and was preparing to get as drunk as possible when the doorbell rang. She wondered who it could be a seven am. She contemplated ignoring the door, but some small part of her hoped it would be Spencer standing on the other side. She knew it couldn't be, but she hoped none the less.

She opened the door, and saw Gideon standing there, his shoulder's slumped. "What are you doing here Gideon?"

He wasn't surprised at her tone; after all she wanted to be alone. He couldn't blame her but he had his duty as well.

"JJ, I'm sorry to bother you, but I didn't want to do this at the hospital. May I please come in, and talk to you?" Only the look of pure misery in his eyes convinced her to let him in.

She held up a glass, "Do you want a drink Gideon."

No, I don't, and I don't think you do either."

"Don't you tell me what I want, or don't want, it was your disproval of office romance that kept my mouth shut? I could've had something with him, if he hadn't been so damned afraid doing something to disappoint the great Jason Gideon."

"JJ you know that I never -"

"Save it Jason," she spat at him, as she sat down on her couch. "You have no one in your life, so you don't want anyone else to have a lover either. Well you got your wish, Spencer is dead, and you can have your perfect office back.

"Stop it JJ, that's not true and you know it. I was the one who gave him the foot ball tickets, and encourage him to ask you out. It isn't my fault things didn't work out with you two."

"How dare you turn this back on me Gideon, why don't you just say what you have to say, and get out of here, I want some peace and quiet."

"All right, as you may not know, Reid gave me power of attorney last year. He was terrified of ending up like his mother, and he wanted me to have say over his care if the worst happened. Gideon placed a large envelope on her coffee table.

"He gave this to me two weeks ago, and asked me to give it to you if anything were to happen to him. I tried JJ, I begged him to tell you himself but he refused. I hope this gives you some measure of peace.

Gideon got up, and walked to the door without looking back. When she heard the door close, she looked down at the envelope. She didn't want to open it, but it drew her like his eyes always had, and she picked it up. She turned it over, and over in her hands, delaying the moment when she would have to open it. She didn't want to see what was inside. She was afraid that some how he'd known what was going to happen, and that this was a farewell. She turned it over again, and opened the flap. She pulled out the papers, covered in his neat script, and felt something tear loose inside her. Tears fell down her face to splatter on the page, as she began to read.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/n thanks to all who commented on this story. There are spoilers in this chapter for season one and two.**

My beautiful Jennifer,

If you are reading this, it means I am gone. I hope it was quick, and that no one else on the team was hurt. I want to apologize to you. I want to tell you how sorry I am, that I'm a coward. Yes… a coward. I never told you how much you mean to me. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. I've always known that you don't feel the same way that I do. I learned to live with that a long time ago, I just couldn't let go.

I remember the first time I ever saw you. Hotch introduced us, and you were so upbeat, you kind of scared me. You were so pretty, and you smelled so lovely, like a new spring day. I wanted you from that moment, but I knew from past experience that you would never love me. I tried to wrap up my feelings, and bury them deep, where no one could see them.

I made a mistake; I thought I could hide what I wanted from Gideon. You know that's impossible, he always knows what you're thinking, and feeling inside. Then there was my birthday party the year before last. You guys made me wear that stupid hat, and then there were the trick candles. I know you tried to tell me, and you think I wasn't listening, I was… I just wanted you to talk to me, even if it was embarrassing.

I got up from the desk, because you were so close, and it was intoxicating. I didn't want anyone to see how you affected me. That's when I made a second mistake. I told Gideon you were the only one that called me Spence. The next thing I know, our case was over, and he's giving me tickets to the Red Skins, and telling me to ask you to go. Asking you out was the hardest thing I ever did. I know you only said yes because you felt sorry for me, but its okay. I got to spend an afternoon with you which was so great.

I knew going into that situation, that it wouldn't go anywhere. When you told me we should just be friends, I wasn't surprised. You were right, it was better that way. If we'd dated, eventually I would have done some thing to embarrass you, and you'd break it off, and I would've been devastated.

As I right this, memories keep flashing through my mind like the pages of a book, each one more painful and happy then the next. I'm thinking about Phillip Dowd, and having to kill him. I think that everyone assumes that what Hotch did to me was so terrible, but it wasn't, I know he would never hurt any of us on purpose. I also know everyone assumes that shot was a lucky shot. It wasn't, I have always been able to hit what ever I aim at. I guess I just lack the will to take the shot. But Jen, I had to kill him, he would've killed more innocent people, and I couldn't allow that. After that, I wanted so badly to be held by you. I wish I'd had the courage to ask for what I wanted.

Do you remember trying to teach me to eat with chopsticks? I pretended to be embarrassed, but I really just wanted you to keep showing me how to do it. I wanted your attention, and humiliating myself was the only way to get it. Is that desperate or what?

Then there was Lila. I really tried to like her, but let's face it, she wasn't you, and I hated the idea of such a long distance relationship. I don't care what Morgan says, I know she only liked me because of the situation we were in. A girl like that would never pay attention to me if I passed her on the street.

I felt like I had betrayed everyone, when Randall Gardner used everything you guys confided in me, against you. I never knew my mother was taking my stories as a fictional adventure. I never thought she would share them with anyone. I'm not sorry that you told me about collecting butterflies. I have always loved talking to you on the plane, after a case, if I am awake that is. I just wish I had been the one to send you the butterfly, instead of a homicidal maniac.

I have to make another confession, I am glad it was Elle who was shot, and not you. I know that with your face on TV he could've chosen you, instead of her. That doesn't mean I didn't care for Elle, I'm just glad he didn't go after you. I remember thinking as I was trying to get him to tell me where his daughter was, that I wanted your hand to hold, I was so scared. And then I was glad you weren't there when I saw the bomb strapped to his chest. It went off, and all I could think was that was it, and I would never get the chance to tell you how much I love you. That's the reason I wrote this. I wanted you to know in case something happens to me.

I'm remembering our trip to Texas, and the little boy who was killing other kids. I tried not to let it show, but I was so happy when you fooled us into thinking that you had discovered a murder as a teenager. I wanted so badly to laugh at the look on Morgan's face. I never knew you had it in you, to tell a tall tell like that. By the way, did Morgan ever get you back for that day?

I never told you how proud I was of you, when you stood up to Hotch, and made us take the case in North Mammon. I know you felt like the team didn't value you, or notice you, but we always did, or a least I did. You really helped us with that case Jen, and I hope the others let you know how grateful we all were to you.

I could go on for pages, but I won't. I only wanted you to know that I love you, and what ever waits for me after death, I will always love you. If I can, I will watch over you till you join me again. Please… baby be happy, don't cry for me, I couldn't bear it.

All my love forever,

Spence

JJ folded the letter, and stuffed it back into the envelope. For a long time she didn't move, or think, her mind was a complete and smooth blank. She couldn't even cry anymore. There was so much he'd never known, like how much she admired his mind. He was kind and gentle, one of the sweetest guys she'd ever met, and he was so very beautiful.

How was she going to go on with out him? How could she get up everyday, and know she would never see his face again, or hear his voice. She wouldn't hear him repeat useless trivia, not caring if anyone listened to him or not. He wouldn't smile shyly at her in the mornings when he got coffee. He wouldn't sit next to her on the plane, and talk to her, or play poker with her ever again.

It was too much, she couldn't bear it. She looked around and her eyes fell on her gun. There was a way out. If there was an afterlife, she could join him, if there was only oblivion, and then at least the pain would be gone.

She got up, and walked to the end table where her holster lay. She picked up the gun, and caressed its surface. It was cold and smooth. There was a faint smell of gun oil. She disengaged the safety, and then reengaged it. What was she thinking, she couldn't do this. She had her family and friends, she wouldn't hurt them like this, and it would be selfish.

Yeah… it would, but she was so tired, and the pain in her heart was so overwhelming. Surely it was okay to make it go away, wasn't it? She flipped off the safety again, and turned the gun over. It would be over fast, there wouldn't be any pain, or very little. She raised the gun, and - a brilliant white light appeared in front of her. A figure materialized out of the blinding light.

"Jennifer!" Her heart leapt in her chest, and began to pound so hard, she grew dizzy with the effort it took to breathe. It was _his _voice, but she couldn't quite see his face.

"Jennifer, stop! Don't do it baby, not for me." His face came into focus, and he stepped toward her, looking as he always did, cords, dark blue sweater vest, and tie. He even had his satchel slung over one shoulder. He sat down next to her, and she tried to throw herself into his arms, but he was as insubstantial as smoke.

"You can't touch me, Jen."

"Why not, why are you here if I can't touch you, or kiss you? Oh God Spencer why, why did you die?"

Instead of answering her, he smiled the little smile that she loved, and said. "Jennifer, I love you, I will always love you, but you have to wake up now, your phone is ringing. He faded away, and she screamed for his to stop, to come back. But the light was gone, and her eyes opened.

Her cell phone was beeping, she didn't want to answer, but it didn't stop. She grabbed it, and flipped it open.

"**Leave me alone," **she screamed into the phone, and she began to sob uncontrollably.

"_JJ are you all right?"_

"Damn it Gideon, can't you just leave me in peace, please."

"_Listen to me JJ; I need you to get over to the hospital now!"_

"No Gideon, I want to be left alone."

"_Agent Jareau… I need you here now," _He commanded, he was done coddling her.

"Why Gideon… why do you need me there?" She was through playing games with him.

"_No, I won't tell you over the phone, just get here."_

"Gideon, I'm not leaving my house till you tell me what the hell is going on."

He was silent for so long that she thought he'd hung up, and she was about to do the same when he said. _"Jennifer, I don't know how its possible but its Spencer, he's alive."_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/n this is it. I am overwhelmed by the response to this. I am so glad you all like it. Thanks for reviewing.**

JJ dropped the phone, and sat down hard on the couch. She bit down hard on her tongue. The bright pain that bloomed in her mouth, kept her from passing out. Did Gideon just call, and tell her that Spencer was alive?

"Am I dreaming?" She asked her self out loud. She wanted to hear her own voice. If she could hear her own voice, she would know she was awake.

"I am awake, so that means that -" She shut up, and grabbed her purse. She had to get to the hospital!

She dialed the phone with hands that trembled so badly, she could hardly press the buttons. After summoning a taxi, she ran into the bathroom.

_Oh God, I look awful. I can't see him looking like this! _

She picked up her brush and quickly ran it through her hair. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, but there was nothing she could do about that. She smelled like smoke, and her clothes were filthy and wrinkled. She ran to her bedroom, she had just enough time to change to an old Penn State tee shirt and faded jeans. She was hopping on one foot, trying to put her shoes on, when the cab honked impatiently.

The ride to the hospital was interminable. The cabbie was a man about fifty, portly, and gray haired. He seemed to think that a cab ride meant that you had to tell him your life story. JJ tried to ignore him, but he kept up a steady flow of conversation, that made her want to pull out her gun, and shoot him.

"Thank you ma'm. I hope who ever you're seeing is okay." He tipped his hat to her when she shoved a bill in his hand, and walked away with out a word.

Gideon was waiting for her when she arrived. He stopped her at the entrance to the hospital.

"Gideon, let go of me, I need to see Spencer."

"JJ, just listen to me, you need to know what you are going to see, when you go in there." The tone of his words pulled her out of herself, like the snapping of a horse whip.

"What is it… he's okay… isn't he." She hated the pleading in her voice, but she couldn't help it.

"Jennifer… He's badly hurt. He's been burned, one side of his body and his face. He has several broken bones and right now he's in a coma. It's a miracle he's alive."

"But he's going to be all right, isn't he… the doctors… they told you he would be okay." She didn't want to hear anything other then that he was going to survive. Gideon couldn't tell her such comforting lies. He opened his mouth to speak the truth, but she held up a hand. "Gideon, please don't - just take me to him…please!"

He led her to the burn ward. When they entered his room after speaking with the doctor, she nearly fell to her knees at the sight of him. He was covered in bandages. She could only see one of his hands, and one side of his face. It was his delicate fingers, and long eyelashes, that told her who he was. He was hooked up to a ventilator, and anywhere his skin was exposed there where wires or IVs attached to him.

She approached him slowly like a skittish colt, ready to bolt at the slightest provocation. The doctor said that his coma was medically induced, so his body could begin to heal without the pain of the burns. She wanted to hug him, but the doctor had warned her not to get close or touch him.

"Spencer, I am so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you. I messed it up, didn't I? You are the strong one; you had the courage in the end to tell me how you feel. I hope you can forgive me one day for keeping silent when I should have told you, I loved you a long time ago." She thought she had no tears left, but they began to fall again, and she couldn't stop them.

His exposed eye popped open, and fixed on her. She was about to yell for a doctor, when his heart monitor began to scream, and he began to convulse. Suddenly there was activity all around her. Someone pulled her protesting from the room. She fought against Gideon to get back into the room, but he was too strong for her.

She had to watch from the window as the doctors worked over Spencer. She watched them try to save him, but it was too late. He really was gone this time. She saw the nurse look at the clock on the wall, and she knew they were recording time of death. She felt the blackness reach up, and claim her for its own, as she fainted away.

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Her eyes opened at the touch of the hand on her shoulder. She turned and saw Spencer staring at her, his face flushed red. She flinched away from him, as though he slapped her. She didn't understand, he was there in front of her, one of his eyes sported a faded bruise, and one of his arms was in a sling, but other than that he was perfectly fine.

"Ah - JJ you okay, you were kind of talking loud in your sleep." He bit his lip, he didn't know if he should tell her watch he heard.

She continued to stare at him as if he was an apparation, and his face grew even hotter. Finally she looked around, and saw that they were on the plane. She was so confused, had it been a terrible dream? She turned back to Spencer, and he was watching her closely, he didn't say anything.

"Where am I?"

"Ah… were on the plane, in fact were almost home." He said it in such a matter of fact way that she finally realized what she had experienced was a nightmare. She pushed her hair back, and smiled wanly at him.

"I'm sorry Spence, I guess I had a really bad dream, I'm kind of confused."

"Hey, that's okay, I have nightmares all the time do you want to talk about it?"

She opened her mouth to say no, but then she just spilled it all to him, everything she seen, and said. She told him about the letter and the explosion and his death. She watched his face change from bright red, and then to ghost white.

When she was done he didn't say anything at all, and she was afraid she had embarrassed him, but she didn't care, she couldn't, she wanted him to know how she felt. She didn't even care if he never spoke to her again. It felt so good to get it all out into the open.

"So, what do you think?" She wanted to hear that he loved her too, but his face was unreadable, and she was afraid that was a bad sign.

"Well, it was probably the result of the case, the explosion of the house. Sometimes we take elements from our own lives, and incorporate them into our dreams. Did you know that in the early nineteen eighties, there was a study done that proved -?"

"Reid, that's not what I mean, what do you think about what I told you about us?"

"I think it's a result of the dream, and what happened to me in that house. You're just concerned for my welfare, I'm grateful because we're friends, and -"

She leaned over and kissed him. He pushed her away and said, "JJ… I'm sorry… but I don't know if this is real, or just a result of trauma.'

"Its real Spencer, I remember the case, and I was so scared when we were looking for you. I remember thinking that if anything happened to you again, I couldn't bear it."

He knew she referred to his kidnapping by Tobias Henkel, and the subsequent drug addiction he'd had to suffer through. He'd been clean for six months, when they had gotten this case, his first back on the job after rehab.

He'd been grabbed again, and when the team had found him, he'd been beaten, but he was alive. Unfortunately the house had been booby trapped, and had exploded when they were taking him out. Luckily no one was badly hurt except the un-sub, he'd been killed, Spencer been in the hospital for a few days, and then released.

This was there trip home, and everyone had been sleeping but him. He was glad everyone was still sleeping, and not witnessing what was happening with JJ.

"Look JJ… this is all going too fast for me, I admit that I really like you , but I can't do this, not right now, its too soon after -" He flushed again and refused to look at her.

"Spencer… please look at me. You know I don't judge you because of your heroin addiction. I can't judge you. I feel responsible… I should have seen what was happening -"

He stopped her with a finger to her mouth. "You are not responsible for my weaknesses. I'm just glad Morgan found me when he did."

He'd accidentally overdosed and Morgan had found him in time to save him. It had been his wake up call. He'd gotten clean, and it hadn't been easy, it had been the hardest thing he'd ever done. He would spend the rest of his life fighting to stay sober. He wanted JJ by his side to help him, but he didn't trust what she said was true.

"JJ, I can't promise you anything now. I do care for you, but I need sometime, can you let me have it please?"

"Okay, Spence, I won't lie and say I'm not disappointed, but I don't want to make things harder for you."

It was at that moment, the pilot announced they were beginning their final descent, and everyone began to wake up. JJ and Spencer were silent for the rest of the trip. She said goodbye in the same tone she had always used before, and he was afraid she was angry with him.

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He got into his car, and drove home in the predawn rain. He was glad the car was an automatic so he could drive one handed. He didn't want JJ, or worse, Morgan to over to take him home. He pulled into the parking lot at his apartment complex, and awkwardly wrestled his satchel out of the car. He left the suitcase in the trunk. He didn't want to deal with it.

He rode the elevator up to his apartment, and walked down the hallway, his steps slowing with every foot he walked. He was so tired, and bewildered, his fondest dream had come true, and he'd run away. He opened his door, and flipped on the light. He dropped the satchel to the ground, and stood with his back to the door for a long time.

Sighing, he knew he couldn't put it off any longer. He went into his room, and opened his file cabinet. Everything was neatly labeled in file folders, he found the one marked: **Rehabilitation Information**

He pulled it open, and thumbed through it till he found what he was looking for. It was a three page letter he'd written two weeks ago. He scanned it, and then tore it in two, then again, and again, till it was in small pieces. He threw them into the waste paper basket, and pulled out his cell phone to make a call.

He almost didn't wait for an answer, but he knew he couldn't hang up now.

"_Hello," _she said.

He closed his eyes, took a breath, and said. "JJ, it's Reid, can we talk?"

He stood, and went out of his room, as he talked to her; he passed the garbage can without looking down. If anyone had seen the contents, this is what they would have seen. The edge of one sheet of paper with the words: **Dear JJ**, written in his handwriting.

She didn't have to see it now. He knew that what ever came next, there was no more need to hide. She was the one he needed, perhaps the only one that could save him from himself. He refused to let her get away again.

"Yeah JJ, I'm just thinking. What… yeah, you're right, maybe I do think to much. Oh yeah… well I hope you're right. What… okay, how about an hour. Ok, I'll see you then. What, no there's no food here. Okay, yeah…no… I want Chinese, and bring some chop sticks, ok. What, oh… you'll pay for that Agent Jareau. How… I don't know, I'll think of something. Okay goodbye. He snapped the phone shut, and went to hunt up something to eat off of. Maybe he was wrong to have her here alone, but he was tired of being afraid, like he'd been on the plane a little while ago.

She arrived at the apartment an hour later with lots of Chinese take out, and chopsticks. He knew how to use them, but she didn't have to know that. She let him think she didn't know, that she knew he was faking. That was okay, she had a feeling that from now on neither of them would have to pretend again.

**FIN**


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